NeverGoingBack

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The following is a work in-progress.

A section formerly known as "Fin"

"You gave me a way out of your infatuation, once. I'm wondering if the offer still stands." Claire's face betrayed the struggle deep within, somewhere between her heart and her mind.

"It does, if you want it to."

So far Claire managed to look at everything in the apartment twice – no doubt to avoid the melancholy expression I was choking to suppress – now she forced herself to look up.

"______, I— I don't want you in my life any more; this is just too painful for me."

"And you think it isn't painful for me? Damnit, Claire, I've seen you looking for exactly what I've been trying to offer; you know I love you, yet you keep pushing me away."

"______, you promised—"

"Yes, I know what I promised, and I will. It's just that I never thought you'd really say it. Never. So I guess this is 'goodbye?'"

"______—"

"I know. I was just leaving. I'll even let myself out, okay?"

She stood there, immobile. I knew she was dying with every word just as I would die once the door shut. The latch caught the jamb, generating a click that echoed down the hallway with an emptiness eclipsed only by the void I felt inside my soul. I ran my hand along the smooth, ambivalent wall, contrasting its rich off-white color to the stark paleness of my hand. As I retreated to the elevator I noticed a young couple carelessly flirting near the call button; they exchanged sinful glances, not knowing nor caring how precarious such actions could be. I took the stairs.

Stepping into the street, my emotions nearly overcame me; this was the last time our lives would ever cross and the only time I could cry for her. The rain poured harder; I donned my coat. I glanced once more, following the windows to the fourth floor, and I beheld her deep, dark eyes at the window; a solitary hand held aside the curtain. I let go a tear, plummeting towards the sidewalk and lost among the other sorrowful raindrops in the world. She was too strong to voice the cry that eminated from her eyes. Neither of us spoke our parting thoughts, nor could I speak the words for her. I gave Claire my word, and I'm bound to keep it if only because I love her... perhaps too much.

More (2006/02/22)

This line of thinking tends to pull at my heartstrings; slowly, the gentle tugging grows impatient and devolves into painful tantrum of repressed emotion, clawing its way through what few defenses remain at my disposal. All the while, it drags the heavy mass of my heart onward to the depths of my soul through a tissue paper trail of memories and could-have-beens; the former with no remaining purpose and the latter with no purpose at all. This line of thinking could bring the death of me, were I to allow it.

"Stop. Just. Stop."

I don't know why I stepped out of the car. Hundreds of miles of open road in the middle of the night, and no one travelling this way to find us stopped on the shoulder of this straight and narrow path. I couldn't walk away; it was twenty miles to nowhere. A selfish thought crossed my mind as I dreamt of leaving her there, standing, not knowing why — I was driving, after all. In the meantime I crouched down under the confusion, hoping the bath of unearthly light from the high beams might pierce through my problems or at least wash away the pain.

"You're too dangerous for me. You have to stop, though the Lord knows I wish you wouldn't."

"Dangerous?" she asked with an air of concerned amusement, "What are y–"

"She left. She was the closest one to me, and she left. You took her place. You didn't know it. I didn't know it, not then. But for whatever unknown reason or subconcious choice inside my head, you took her place and you're dangerous to me — like she was."

"Who?! Kri–? Ca–? Cor–?"

"Claire. Look, you both exploit a weakness in me and it means I'd do nearly anything you ask. Claire asked me to leave; she was my friend, and I did. You're my friend, and I'm trying to do everything I can — avoid every prior mistake — all in the hope that, someday, you don't ask me to do the same. You mean too much to me; you're too important. I couldn't stand it."

Still more (2007/08/07)

Hello.

I'm glad you broke the silence. How have you been?

I've missed you.

As I you, to say the least. So what happens now?

I don't know. What do you want to happen?

I want you to not go away.

I can't promise you that.

No promises, then. But try?

I'll try. I wasn't sure if this was a good idea.

Maybe. Maybe not. Still, I wouldn't trade this for the world.

Do you still love me?

I never stopped. Is that a problem?

I don't know. Maybe.

To be continued...